SANITY AT ITS WORST

Irrespective of age and era, bringing up a child demands extensive emotional bonding, physical labor and financial support. From rearing a life for nine long and trying months in one's womb to hellish experience while delivering the infant and the sleepless nights that invariably follow - from a restrained life routine revolving around your child(ren) to prioritizing all expenses related to the offspring(s) at the top to appear last yourself in the budget list - from sharing each of your child(ren)'s joy and sorrow to forgetting about your own in the whole process - it indeed takes a soulful lifetime of parental commitment to bring up a happy child... and dismally enough neither the children who commit suicide nor the countless killers at large pay any heed or respect to the efforts and feelings of the parents in question. Depressingly, all love, austerity and restraint of parents/ guardians is side cornered to the extent of neglect in the face of few self-centered and selfish motives/ desires.

PROLOGUE

I hope one day you have the patience to go through this blog to read it throughout. I guess this blog will make meaning to you only once your will realize how life is passing fast and steady, like sand passes through ones fingers.

It seems as if it was just yesterday that my mom used to take care of me like I take care of you now… her touch used to render me fearless, secure, protected, fast asleep… just like presently my touch relieves and relaxes you to baby sleep.

THE BLOG STARTS HERE...

It has sort of become a habit with me … to wake up in the pin drop silence of the mid night and wondering about life, death, the real and the surreal. It all seems so distinguished and distinct in the darkness just before dawn. The moment is just idyllic for introspection and retrospection.

The lethal silence brings me face to face with life and its pace… how it is drawing dangerously closer to the moment when a pang will become inseparable only to depart in death. And who knows how would the luxury of being alive choose to show its back. It’s a secret, but I always used to count my age one year ahead so as to feel younger for a longer period of time. Thus I remained twenty-two for two absolute years and yet I cannot distinctly recall any one of them! From twenty-two once upon a time to twenty nine today, I am painfully aware that it will soon become twenty nine once upon a time and sixty five today, just like the life that lays faded in my meandering memory lanes at present!

I often look back in time and find myself as the same person who was once only six-year-old. Then the years that outlined the transcendence from childhood to adolescence came and went unnoticed, past so fast that I fail to remember that they ever existed.

Who knows whether I am entitled to the next round of breath? It makes me realize how luxurious it is to be able to breath… so pleasant it is to inhale and exhale fluently. An earthquake struck in Gujrat without a warning, didn’t it? Even the Tusnami in South India did not ring a doorbell. Accidents on roads, heart- attack at home, brain hemorrhage on the office chair… death is fearless and unrestrained. There is a plethora of means to die and only one way to stay alive – by sheer good luck! If the whole account leaves you with an impression that I am dreading death, you are NOT entirely wrong. I do dread death for myself and others, but what I fear more is the fate that waits beyond death for each one of us… I feel the cycle of death and birth is too frustrating and distressing. How can we let it happen to us over and over again and do nothing about it? To be absolutely honest, each time I had my babies, I was unable to take the experience in an absolute worldly manner. Each time, it was painfully realized that a soul had taken re-birth; each time the baby seemed miserable during the initial days - as if feeling physically feeble - detained and emotionally frigid - fearful. While I played an eager parent, I was aware that the same fate awaits me upon dissolution of this life. Imagining myself in their shoes ran a chill down my spine... picturing myself as helpless and as weak in the infant body! And then I also hoped to be born as fortunate, to be handled with similar care and sincerity... Does my imagination know any limits?

When I was not visualising my infant sons as a re-incarnation of a soul, I felt the nip of the ordeal that every infant faces - so oblivious of his enviornment, a very tiny fragile being that one day opens his eyes to a bright, colorful and magnanimous canvas of mother nature... all the time coming across a never-ending train of good and bad surprises - the magnitude of the world, which is now learnt to us by heart, must seem so confusing, large and extensive! And then one day unsparingly, every innocent baby has to grow up to realize the devastating truth about life - that is the eventual absence of life! And no one can avert that.

I still feel restless because I am helpless - I cannot avoid the day when my innocent and lively children will also realise and even observe the play of life and death before their eyes equally helplessly. Right now they believe life goes on without hurdles and endlessly. They neither know religion, its need and its role, nor they have any interest. But one day they will be robbed off their sweet ignorance and serene innocence, as per the strict and undelible rule of nature.

They will need to face life one on one... with nobody around to comfort them… probably with a flawed attitude entailing lust and unreasonable expectations out of others.

And when all these thoughts strike, I realize that the path shown by Jinendra Bhagwaan can only relieve us and put an end to all kinds of restlessnesses and anxieties.

Hey kids I hope I make sense to you…If you are reading it before reaching your mid twenties, you may find it rubbish – my depressed mom! She is a professional at killing/ supressing fun element of life... Blah blah blah … if that is so… I request you to read it when you feel you have aged… and then you will understand what I wish to say. It is in no way to depress or discourage life… it is only to spend it most prudently for the best of results in both the worlds. Jai Jinendra!

My Little Cracker...

This post is dedicated to the little "patakha" (cracker) in my life. All of one, he is making me adore him more day by day - my little one - my second born!

Consistently practicing out newer stunts that I find too adventurous for his little human body to handle, he has been outdoing my expectations out of him in terms of achieving his physical and mental milestones for the first year.

He made his first steady eye contact with me lasting at least ten seconds when he was just 10 days old. He handled his head when he was barely two months. He started sitting without support when he was approximately four months old. He started crawling when he was seven months old. He started walking when he was nine months plus.

Nowadays, he is my one year old bundle of joy!

When he is annoyed, he frustatingly repeats "tetetettettetee...".

When in a loving mood, he affectionately obliges my demand for a sweet sound of "mama".

Oh!!! the deliberate "mama" sounds so much sweeter than sugar to ears!!! His cuckoo sound is so gentle, caring and absolutely lovable.

His eyes have a definite sparkle and his face glows as soon as he finds the open door of the small mandir ji at our home. He immediately rushes to the entrance in sheer hurry with a smile on his face reflecting excitement and naughtiness. He throws himself inside by all means and only initially folds his hand as if to pray... but it is a pure show off - a clever manifestation to get an affirmative nod from his guardian during the moment for an entry in the mandir ji - but as soon as things settle down and he is not prohibited inside, he comes in his real form - his destructive ways - a tornado at large. [:-D]

He prefers targeting the main door of the house more than playing windstorm in mandir ji. But he chooses between what is feasible and readily available. He does not believe in cribbing over a lost cause. [:-)]

A very handsome little human being of the ideal height to render him most cute and absolutely adorable - I want to freeze my moments with my SECOND BORN as he is right now. Specially when he stands besides Vasu that sharply pinpoints his cute stature, he oozes oodles of grace, style and individuality from hair tips to toe nails. The sight of his simply mesmerises me to hypnotism.

I wish I could capture these moments forever to relive them whenever I felt like it. [:-)]. I hope God blesses him in the most special of His ways! Amen! OM! Shanti! Shanti! Shanti! Regards.

Our First Meeting

How can I ever forget the evening when I saw my first born for the very first time. He was brought in by the nurse cuddled cosily in white cloth . I was extremely curious to see how my baby looked like. It was my very first experience as a mother. I had no idea my identity was about to assume a new dimension, shape and hue. All the relations that mattered were present. They were holding him one by one... cheering about how cute he looked and ecstatic about the new addition to the family. I was lying on the hospital cot paralysed by the medication that made the ceasarian possible. I could only move my eyes, as far as I can remember. I had been so worried throughout my pregnancy... no not about the sex of my baby.. but his overall mental and physical developments within me. All I wanted was a healthy and normal baby. Therefore, after the baby was before me, I was very content as I heard no bad news by the grace of God. Though I wanted to see him as well and being temporarily handicapped could not reach out by myself, I still felt extremely patient. I felt so graceful and mature. Suddenly, my heart was filled with intense love, understanding and empathy for each one of my relations and beyond... I was rescued from the jail of petty negative feelings and self-centered social circle, forever... And then my husband took notice that everyone else has seen him but me. He held him and brought him to the level of my bed so that I too could have a glimpse. Oh my God! He looked so beautiful - the most miraculous sight of my life - the miracle of nature was before me! There I saw a little human being that took shape within my own mundane body! How can I be so worthwhile, I thought. How do I deserve such an outstanding experience of life? I am too petty to deserve the most beautiful infant on the face of this earth! And listen to this...my baby chose to showoff his attitude on our very first eye to eye contact. As if discerned that there is someone to look for by his side, he subtly tilted his fragile neck in my direction, looked towards me inspectingly and instantly took his eyes off me with an impression as if someone just rejected the sight of a baselessly hyped celebrity. [:-D] Thank you son for happening to me! Thanking you God for finding a deserving candidate in me for the job! Regards.